Tavern Disaster
by lostsword
Summary: When Ruff and astrid and a forecd tuffnut go out for a night on the town, or bar, there will be carnage, drunks and innuendo... Prequil, Drunk Ruffnut, Missing Tuffnut, Astrid being evil, but woopings and crotch destruction. Fellow men beware...


_A Tavern Disaster_

**A/N: Well, here it is, the long awaited Tavern Fic. I hope you enjoy, leave a comment, request another mini fic, or just enjoy my work. But _Really_, _Really_ leave a comment...**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT own HTTYD or it's Products**

"Please?" Ruffnut asked in her best begging/puppy dog tone.

"No" Astrid said coolly. The blond haired pair were currently under the shade of a tree near the village, set on a small grassy hill called. Astrid liked coming here to read books and occasionally watch the sunrise, Sunset and full moons. In Astrid's hands was one of her most precious personal items, a book her father had given her for her tenth birthday, which was part of a five book set, labeled _The Art of War_, one of her favorites.

Ruffnut sighed, leaning against Astrid's side. "Come on, Tuffut is such a kill joy, can't you just come with me this _one_ time?" she asked, trying to imitate a sad dog's eyes.

Rolling her eyes, Astrid merely continued to read her book. "No. We'll just get thrown out like we did the last time..." she said dryly.

Ruffnut snorted. "Those guys had it coming! I won that drinking contest fair and round. And one of them tried to feel me arse!" she whined.

Astrid just chuckled as she began reading the next chapter in the book, talking about strategies. "You were teasing him..."

"So he would lose focus on drinking!"

"So waving your-"

"No! That never happened!"

"What never happened?" Tuffnut asked as he sat on the side of the hill a few feet away from the blond haired female warriors, his interest now perked.

"Nothing" both girls said at the same time.

"So...are you coming?" Ruffut asked hopefully, both of her hands clasped together.

Astrid sighed, then nodded. "Fine" she said and closed her book. "But you owe me, and this _better_ now end up like last time" she said, remembering the last time they had gone to _Mead and Seed_, which was owned by Noik and sold both alcohol and a assortment of Seeds, ranging from flowers to food plants. To make a long story short, it had ended with a bunch of Frenchmen starting a riot, Noik getting a broken hand and their sorry rear ends thrown out onto the street.

Ruffnut grinned like a Monstrous Nightmare when it was on fire. Tuffnut just groaned, knowing fully well that they wouldn't be home tonight. When Ruffnut dragged him to _Mead and Seed_, it was always, _always_, a crazy adventure with him getting beat up, drunk silly, humiliated, or a combination of the three.

"I'll meet you there, just let me go put up my book" Astrid said calmly and was gone in a flash, heading down the hill toward the village and her home, intent on putting up the rare piece of leather bound booklet up before the Thorstons got down to Noik's store.

/

A little bit later Astrid was standing before _Mead and Seed_ with a small scowl on her face as Ruffnut and Tuffnut showed up, arguing as usual.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Uh huh!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" Astrid shouted in anger as she knocked Tuffnut to the ground with a swing that would leave most men in tears of awe, and Tuffnut crying on the ground, moaning about the 'Horrible Pain'.

After the twins were done with their 'Conversation', the trio headed inside, and found that it was unsurprisingly full of vikings young and old, all either playing a heated game of Hnefatafl or drinking their brains out. There was also a few groups of foreigners. French and German traders were the main bulk of those not native to Berk, however there were a few vikings from other tribes and clans as well.

The three moved towards a wooden table and sat down, Tuffnut being, as usual whenever he accompanied them, was forced to go get them all drinks. The building itself was a simple, small, one floor building with a platform out back for viewing the sea. It had tables scattered around the room with four chairs each. In the back there was a hole where Noik was housed, and where he made the alcohol and stored the feed as well as where he sold those items, among other things.

Within minutes Tuffnut returned with three mugs filled to the brim with the goldenish liquid known to most of Scandinavia as Mead. The three were soon drinking their mugs down and in no time at all, they sent Tuffnut off to get more.

However the young viking never returned. They waited and waited, and nothing happened. No Tuffnut, no drinks, nothing. After awhile, Ruffnut rose from her seat, and proceeded towards the back. After a few minutes, Astrid having also risen to help her look, they concluded that Tuffnut was nowhere in sight.

They were just about to leave, when a man waived at them. "Ladies!" he called, his voice slurred. "Care to join us?" he said and gestured sloppily at his two friends and a pair of untouched mugs with golden colored mead resting in them.

Ruffnut automatically moved towards the table, after all, free beer was hard to pass up for a teen who didn't really have a job until they turned sixteen. Astrid watched her friend go, then shrugged. Whatever Tuffnut had gotten himself into was his problem anyways. She then walked after Ruffnut and sat down beside her, drinking half of her beverage in a few quick seconds. And that's how it all started.

Two hours later and the two girls were pretty wasted. Sure Astrid had been more careful then her fellow female comrade, but she still could barely keep her words straight, they had been laughing and drinking well into the night, and when you start to get drunk, you don't stop until you either leave or black out, so they just kept drinking, the three men buying round after round for them. And the girls minds were far to foggy minded to realize what was happening.

"So..." the man that had invited them over said slowly. "Care to play a game?" he asked.

"S-Sure" Ruffnut said, her speech slurred as she tried to keep steady in her seat. Astrid, beside her, nodded, still sober enough to think straight, but not enough to try out a new game for future tortu- fun with Snoutlout when he tried to score a date with her. Ignorant fool...

"Ok, this is how it goes..." the man said and explained that one person could give the other either a task or a question, whichever the person chose, they had to do, if not, they would be branded.

The five of them then began to play.

"Blonde" the man said, staring at Astrid. " Which would you like?" he asked.

Astrid thought for a moment. She could either risk him asking something personal, or risk a stupid task. She figured that a question was less dangerous. "Question" she said.

The man nodded. "Have you ever slept with a man...or woman?" he said with his unique french accent, a perverted grin on his silly drunken face. Beside him, his two friends laughed madly.

Grinding her teeth, Astrid shook her head. "No." she stated. "You" she said, pointing at the other man to the first one's right.

"Task" the man said, believing he was being manly by choosing the more dangerous answer.

Astrid grinned. "Lick your pal's entire face" she said with a wicked gleam in her eye, beside her, Ruffnut giggled loudly.

The man's face fell. "Umm..."

"Do It" she said coldly.

"Very well, but if we are going to do this, then we must up the wager, a bag of gold goes to the one who gets the other to back out" the man said and dropped a hefty leather bag, a thin cord wrapped around the top, keeping it shut. "You and your friend, against me and mine" he said smugly, thinking they would win easily.

"Sure!" Ruffnut said, her voice slurred. "This wi..Hic...be easy...hic" Ruffnut said, trying to whisper, but it came out loud. Astrid honestly hopped it would be.

The man, now satisfied that they would be getting something out of this, since the girls had obviously no money, then moved over to his friend. With a disgusted groan, he began to lick the other man's entire face, both wearing utterly humiliated expressions. Astrid and Ruffnut tried to keep their laughter in, but it was just too hard of a thing to do.

After a few more moments, the man pulled away and spat onto the ground. He then turned to the giggling girls and grinned. "Don't be so cocky" he sneered and slurred at the same time. "You must do the same" he said.

"No way!" Astrid said. "I didn't choos-"

"That is part of the deal, you want the money? You only do tasks!" he said his eyes showing no hint of backing down.

Astrid sighed and gulped, hoping the money was really worth this, then began to lick Ruffut's face, who did likewise, until they had covered the other's face. Turning back around, she found the three men, and a few more around them, staring at them with an odd look. A look of lust.

"Ok" she said, wanting to make the men suffer for _that_. "All three of you have to try and drink more then the other" she said with a grin. The three men nodded sluggishly, then they ordered a few rounds and began to drink the golden liquid in record time. Absentmindedly, Astrid wondered how much money they had, and how much they had already spent that night.

After about half an hour, two of the three men collapsed onto the table, completely exhausted after chugging five quarter gallon mugs of alcohol. "My...Turn..." the man still sitting up said, his voice now more slurred then his drink was toxic. "Kiss...ten...min...uts!" he managed to get out as he tried to force air into his deprived lungs.

Astrid, growing more and more angry at the 'Shows' they were being forced into putting on, growled, but nodded. She turned to a rather drunk Ruffnut, who had already gone way overboard, and was forced to stick her tongue in the other girl's mouth for the requested time before they did the task and were allowed to stop.

After getting air into her lungs, Astrid was about to issue them a task, which _would_ have been her kicking each of them in the balls twice, but Ruffnut in her drunken state beat her to it. "You have to sing and dance like girls!" she shouted stupidly, her eyes crazed and her left hand twitching, most likely she was nearing unconsciousness.

The men gawked at her. Too shocked for words. Slowly, ever so slowly, they complied and began standing on their chairs, moving around and signing on their chairs like the 'odd' females on the island of Berk. The kind that didn't like warfare or fighting, only men and looking pretty.

After that was done, the men grinned amongst each other and made their move. "You...must please us" he said with a very perverted grin.

Astrid stared at him. Her hand sliding under the table to her knife. She wasn't that drunk. "No" she said. This game had just gotten out of hand.

"There is no...no" the first man said as he rose from his seat.

Astrid didn't hesitate, she jumped up and smacked him right in the face with a full out, open palm, strike to the face, sending the drunk flying across the room. The other two Frenchman moved to get her, but Astrid quickly knocked the one to the right flat to the ground, only to get a kick to the stomach by the other. Ruffnut was trying to stand, only to fall down and then try again. The sight would have been comical if they weren't in such a dangerous situation.

Standing back up, Astrid found the two men running at the weak and defenseless Ruffnut, who was still stumbling to her feet. Running across the floor, she slid to the ground and tripped the two men, and at the same time grabbed her friends hand and ran for the exit, pulling and dragging a mumbling blond along with her.

They quickly made their way out of _Mead and Feed_, only to find two more Frenchmen walking towards the building. One of the men, the first one she had hit, stuck his bruised face out the door. "Get them!" he shouted.

Astrid considered her options. She had to protect Ruffut, but she had attackers on two sides now. The two before her, and the three coming at her from behind. She needed to deal with the two before her, then deal with the other three who were still a good bit back and trying to stand back up from her rapid attack.

Springing forward, Astrid delivered a powerful kick to the first man's crotch, while at the same time she socked him in the face and breast bone with her fist, sending him backwards, with several broken ribs and a cracked nose and jaw as well as screwed up children for life as his cushion when he hit the hard dirt street.

Nearby, Vikings and traders stopped what they were doing to see what was going on, some worried, others curios and some wanting to see Astrid in action.

The other man came at her, but her knife was drawn by now and his fate was sealed. She simply dropped under his left hook and stabbed him in the chest, then kicked him onto the ground and finished with a curb stomp to the balls, the one move that would leave them out of the fight for a good while.

Just as she did this, she heard Ruffnut scream and turned to find the girl being grabbed by the three men, who were still drunk, but able to fight well enough. Not even wasting a moment to aim, the huntress threw another knife, which impaled one man through the throat. The other two then proceeded to drop Ruffnut to the ground and charge at her in rage.

Drawing another knife, the warrior in training took a calming breath, then spun as one of them tried to hit her, only to get his hand nearly severed by a brutal knife slash by the young but deadly teenage viking. She followed with a swift kick to the other man's knees, sending him to the ground in pain as she clubbed the wounded man's head with her fist, sending him into the dirt as she kicked him from behind, right between the crotch, a girls number one area to aim at for pain and torture.

The man groaned in pain as the last man stumbled to his feet and tried to hit her, only for her to grab his arm and break it easily. The man yelped in pain, then got a knee to the chest and a fist to the face before he too fell to the ground, joining the pile of bodies that were groaning and moaning on the dirty street. Astrid then bent down and grabbed the hastily tied bag of gold. "I assume that means you back out" she said and gave the man a kick for good measure, then grabbed Ruffnut and headed down the street, leaving one dead man and four wounded laying on the bloodied street in her wake, not even noticing the admiring stare one brown haired boy was giving her from a shop window.

You don't mess with a Hofferson unless you had an army to back you up. Actually, you should probably have two armies...

/

**well I hope you enjoyed that. I know I did. It wasn't really how I envisioned it, but it worked out. If you enjoyed, leave me a comment by pressing that button below!**

**Also, I will be gone at the end of this week, from the 26th to the 30th sadly. But I will try and write Ocean Side, a fic I have been planning out. And the sequel is underway, i'll give you a bit of a trailer for it here.**

_**ADR:**_

_**Hiccup stared at the message. This was either the best news for Berk in years. Or the worst news in the history of worst news. Either way, they had a decision to make...**_

**yes I'm evil. But you need to salivate over something, not everything! Thanks for being pateint, and I thank all my loyal readers.**

**Dr. Lost (I decided to change the nickname) is now signing off...C U NEXT TiME!**


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